How to Help a Friend Experiencing Violence Without Judging Her
- Steve Fillion
- May 31
- 3 min read
When a friend is experiencing violence, it is natural to want to help immediately. However, many people feel unsure about what to do.
What should you say?
How should you react?
Should you encourage her to leave?
Why does she seem to stay despite her suffering?
In Northern Ontario, where communities can be small and close-knit, it may be even more difficult to talk about violence or ask for help.
Even if you cannot solve the situation for her, your support can make a real difference.
Often, what a person needs most is not someone to tell her what to do, but someone who will listen without judgment.
Why Helping a Friend Experiencing Violence Can Feel Difficult
To effectively help a friend experiencing violence, it is important to understand the challenges she may face.
Violence does not always begin with obvious acts. It can develop gradually and affect self-confidence, a sense of safety, and the ability to make decisions.
A person experiencing violence may feel:
fear;
shame;
guilt;
confusion;
hope that the situation will improve;
financial or family concerns.
These reactions are normal in situations involving violence. They do not mean that the person lacks strength or is choosing to remain in the situation.
What to Say to Help a Friend Experiencing Violence
You do not need to find the perfect words.
Some phrases can help create a safe and supportive environment.
"I believe you."
This simple statement can have a powerful impact. Many people fear they will not be taken seriously.
"What you're experiencing matters."
Validating her experience helps reduce feelings of isolation.
"You are not responsible for the violence."
People experiencing violence often blame themselves.
"I'm here for you."
Offering steady support is often more helpful than immediately trying to fix the situation.
"How can I help you today?"
This question allows the person to identify what support would be most helpful.
What to Avoid
Even with the best intentions, certain comments can increase guilt or isolation.
Avoid asking:
"Why do you stay?"
"Why haven't you left?"
"I would have left a long time ago."
These comments can feel judgmental.
Avoid minimizing the situation
Statements such as:
"Maybe it's not that bad."
"Every couple argues sometimes."
can invalidate the person's experience.
Avoid taking control
Even if the solution seems obvious to you, the person may need time to understand and process what she is experiencing.
Avoid forcing conversations
Respecting the person's pace is essential.
How to Help a Friend Experiencing Violence Without Taking Control
When we care about someone, it can be tempting to make decisions for them. However, violence often involves a loss of control. Taking control away from the person—even with good intentions—can unintentionally mirror part of that dynamic.
Offer options instead of directives
Instead of saying: "You should call right now."
Try: "If you'd like, I can help you find resources."
Respect her pace
Everyone moves forward differently.
Some people seek help quickly. Others need more time.
Ask permission before taking action
For example:
"Would you like me to come with you?"
or
"Would you like help finding information?"
Stay connected
Even if the person is not ready to take action, continuing to show that she is not alone can make a significant difference.
A simple message, phone call, or invitation can become an important source of support.
If you believe someone is in immediate danger or that her safety is at risk, contact emergency services in your area.
You do not have to carry that responsibility alone.
Helping a friend experiencing violence does not mean having all the answers.
Listening, believing, respecting her pace, and reminding her that she deserves safety are already meaningful acts of support.
Sometimes, knowing that even one person is there without judgment can be the first step toward change.
Resources
📞 REFLEXION – 1-888-871-8349
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